Friday, April 19, 2013

Learning to fall {and get back up}

I'm not a quitter. I don't want to be seen that way and I don't want my son to quit when things get hard. I don't think there's been anything in my life to date that I set my mind to and didn't finish. Like when I ran hurdles in high school, fused back and all... Or when I told myself I would keep my GPA up to keep my scholarships in college... and I did.  It's not that I haven't ever "fallen," it's more that I I had the strength and will power to trudge through. As a mother, I have learned so much... More than I ever cared to know about reflux, but so much more. And I wouldn't trade it for anything, but as I sit here pumping my ta-tas for the third time today I am beginning to let go of what I've come to know as pride.

Before Crosby was born, I told myself I'd breast feed until he was a year old. I didn't see the trouble. "Yeah, it might come with sacrifices, but doesn't everything?" I thought. Well, that was about 4 months ago. -before my son was born.  -Before I sat in the hospital chapped and sore, trying to fatten him up before my milk came in while he was losing weight.  -Before he began spitting up.  -Before the bibs and burp clothes galore.  -Before the Zantac.  -Before he lost 2 1/2 oz in a month.  -Before the Bethanechol.  -Before the upper GI scan at Children's.  -Before I had to start pumping so we could rice cereal to thicken and add calories to his milk.  -Before I had to wash bottles and nipples and flanges multiple times a day.  -Before my sweet baby went from 70%ile in weight to 25%ile.  That was before all of that....

Is nursing good?  Yes.  But being chained to a pump is not the best thing for my sweet son at this point.  I need that time to take care of him, and honestly (and I feel selfish typing this) I need some time for me.

I'm not sure exactly where I'll go from here... maybe I'll supplement... But what I do know is that when you fall, you get back up.  And when plan A doesn't go as planned, you go to plan B.  And as I think back again, if all of my plan A's had come true, my life would have turned out much differently... and I wouldn't have my life any other way.  So, pride bubble, consider yourself popped.  And alongside teaching my son not to quit, I hope he that when he falls, he will get back up.

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