Thursday, March 14, 2013

should i Stay or should i Go?

A couple of months ago, I would have never thought I'd even entertain the thought of "going back to work."  But, as my husband reminds me often, I change my mind a lot.  Like how I was so judgmental towards someone who said she wished she could quit breastfeeding now that her son was 10 months, but she only had 2 months until he could drink cow's milk and she didn't want to switch to formula for just 2 months.  I so get her now; nursing is tough!  And it's a big committment, but at the time I hadn't had Bug-a-boo yet and reality hadn't set in yet.  At that time, I just couldn't imagine not nursing for a full year.  Ha.... oh, how this girl changes her mind.  But us women are allowed to do that, right?

The Cros is now 2 1/2 months old and at times, I really wish I was working.  Pre-baby, I would have told you about what my Mom says - that she would have eaten dirt to stay at home.  And I think I may have indoctrinated myself and taken on her thoughts for a while... which isn't bad.  But now, I've had my own experience and I could conceivably see me working.  I mean, I have a college degree (thank you Dad!), I hold a Alabama teaching certificate (it took me a year to get it!), and I can't just wash that passion out of my soul - all of that passion that I had and still have to teach children.  And in some ways, I'm using my education and passion at home, but it's just not the same.  And I really crave being around other adults sometimes.  Is this a bad thing?  At first, I felt guilty for thinking this way... kind of like I felt guilty for wanting to go kayaking or rock climbing, or just something adventurous on the weekends, but we can't just get up and go on Saturdays like we used to.  I still have those thoughts and I don't think they're bad.  I'm finding out that they're actually very natural.  It's ok to mourn your old life, just as long as you take time to breathe in your new one.  And the fact of the matter is, it's a sacrifice in many ways to stay at home.  We have less income and I'm essentially sacrificing my career and passion to do so.

And then there are those days when I realize how lucky I am to be at home.  I try to embrace this fact, remembering that many would love to have this chance.  Sometimes I cook the yummy meals that I rarely had the time to when I worked.  And it is pretty nice to hang out with Crosby in my PJs until the late morning, but I sometimes don't get the chance to have a shower all day either.  I don't have to wonder what he's doing or if he's being taken care of sure is nice, but maybe I need to trust a little more.  And I won't miss out on milestones like him taking his first step, but I'd have the afternoons and summers with him.  And we wouldn't be so tight on the mula, which would be pretty nice.  Who wants to eat dirt, anyway, right?  And I hate that all the money-making rests on the hubster's back.  But is money worth time spent with my son?  And won't we be having another little one pretty soon anyway?  ...I'm a fence-rider, I know.  I go back and forth all of the time.  But hey, it's my prerogative.

For now, I guess all there is to do is pray and do my part by applying for jobs and preparing for interviews and putting myself out there.  And if that perfect job comes available, and Crosby's got someone loving on him while I'm gone, I will go.  But for now, I will stay.  I will wait and see.  Lord, direct my paths.

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