Monday, December 10, 2012

The Great {Anticipator}

     It's been raining at our house since last night.  It's mildly cold and soggy outside.  The sky is grey and the air is damp.

     I had my weekly appointment at the OB, hoping and just knowing that I'd show some progress now that I'm 38 1/2 weeks pregnant.  And plus the Doc said last week that he could almost count me as dilated.  Well, no such luck.  When he told me there was no change, I felt exactly like the weather that has been surrounding me for the last 12 hours.  I felt glum, grey, and soggy.  I am 11 days out from the due date and haven't even begun to dilate.  And I admit, I'm an aniticpator (yes, I probably just made that word up).  I anticipate things to be a certain way and they never are quite like I think.  In hindsight, they are almost always better, but at first, they seem quite dreary.  For example, when I graduated from college, I had this anticipation that I would feel grown up, wise, adult-like, put-together.  Well, guess what?  I felt like the same girl that I always have.  I was still the same Morgan that I had been for 22 years.  I had learned a lot, made many new friends, and had countless experiences that I will never forget, but all-in-all, I was still the same girl who ate cat food when I was little.  I was the same girl who played in "the creek" (which was really just storm drain water trickling) behind our house in the summers and picked wild blackberries off of the "white sand trail" as it was known around those parts by me and my sisters.

     I anticipate vacations to be this get-away of a life-time.  I anticipated an even more wise and grown-up feeling when I got married.  And I anticipated our baby boy to be here on or before his due date.  You're probably sitting there thinking, "why don't you just learn from all of this and let life go in stride?"  And unfortunately, I don't have a good answer for that.  But I can tell you that I imagined our little family of 3 (+ my family of 6, including me) to be together for Christmas this year.  I've got Christmas outfits ready for the Cros and I made a new ornament for 2012 with 3 birds on it.  I have a baby's first Christmas ornament wrapped up under the tree.  C's stocking is hung between his Mommy and Daddy's.  And it just makes me wilt to think that we may be spending Christmas with a bump instead of a baby.

     I know, I know.  I'm being quite negative and have a lot to be thankful for.  I am thankful that as we wait, C is growing and developing.  I am thankful that I am not experiencing much of anything negative from the pregnancy (except a case of the blues & being uncomfortable & not being able to wear regular clothes & not sleeping well).  I am thankful to have the opportunity to conceive and to have gotten this far in the pregnancy with the both of us healthy.  I am thankful for a supportive husband and family.  I am thankful for the time off of work to get ready for our big boy and to rest up, although next go 'round, I think I'll work up until the last minute to help me to be more patient.  I am thankful for a home that is warm and cozy and spattered with Christmas joy.  And I am thankful for that little boy who was born 2,000 years ago - the reason we celebrate in December.

     He came as a little baby - perfect in every way, yet human in every way.  And He walked and talked just like me, but was a perfect example.  And I find myself wondering how he would act in this situation and what he would have to say to me, a selfish pregnant lady who wants traditions at Christmas not to be thrown off by a baby not being born when I want it to be.  Maybe, just maybe, God knows what He's doing.  And just maybe, this will be the most raw and true Christmas I will ever experience.  So here it is, I'm giving it to God.  Whenever you're ready for our baby to come, I'm ready.

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